Love like Woe?
by Laffy-Taffy0401
Summary: Semi-Crackfic She goes on ignoring me, "I've been watching you." Join the line lady. "Normally, Mundanes and shadowhunters don't interest me, but, you and Clarissa… your… love," she scoffed at the word, "is like…" "Woe?" I offered. She chuckled, "Distressful? I was going for 'amusing', actually."
1. Ultimatums

**Ultimatums **

I walk down the fifth avenue and everyone is staring.

Fuck yea I'm sexy and I know it.

Not to be un-modest or anything, but it's true.

Girls love me. Guys love me. Babies love me. Pets love me. I'm just too sexy.

I'm heading to my favorite place to eat; Taki's to meat up with my brother Sebastian.

I notice a camera flash in my direction – and crazy shit has happened… but no ones has ever actually taken a photo of me.

I open the door to Taki's, immediately greeted by the lovely fearie, Kealie.

"Looking lovely today." I have manners.

"As do you, Jace" she giggles and runs a hand through my golden hair for good measures.

I head over to the back where Bastian is. I nod at him. He's like the total opposite of me with dark eyes and dark hair where as I'm all fair eyes and fair hair.

He looks kind of nervous. "What's wrong bro?"

"Um… it's Dad. You're oldest… so you need to find a wife to inherit the family business. By 'family business" he means I'm next in line to govern the Clave.

"A wife?" I ask. Well shit. I'm only seventeen.

He nods his head. "But the thing is, after that Christmas party in Indris last year, after you supposedly "knocked up" Aline, nobody wants you."

I frown; I didn't knock up Aline. In fact, I didn't even touch her crazy Schizophrenic ass.

It was actually Sebastian.

"But you're the one…" I trail off.

He rolls his eyes, "Yes, but I know how to use a condom, so I know for a fact that I am not the father. Every body else will too when that baby pops out with brown hair and blue eyes or something. Besides, she probably had an episode got knocked up by one of her imaginary friends."

I raise an eyebrow, "So because of you and her imaginary friends, girls of our shadowhunting community won't touch me?" he nods. "So then how does this marriage thing work out?"

He shrugs, "Well Valentine Morgenstern is like the hottest bachelor in our uh… community… and he plans to stay the hottest… so he's kind of spreading rumors that you contracted herpes from a mundane girl."

I don't hear him for a second, but when I process it, I'm outraged, "HERPES?" I ask a bit too loudly causing stares from people.

I look away. Not embarrassed, because it's so no true. And Jace Wayland does not get embarrassed.

I get up defiantly. And stalk towards the door.

"Um… where are you going?"

"WE are going to pay a little visit to Valentine."

"We?" he squeaked out. "As in me and you?"

"No. As in me and the mother fucking 'herpes'." I roll my eyes at him, "YES 'WE' as in YOU and I."

.

.

.

Valentine Morgenstern, the richest and supposedly 'hottest' bachelor lives in a huge mansion with his daughter and the orphaned Vampire and werewolves they adopted for props in the We-can-trust-downworlders-too community. He was like the Angelina and Brad Pitt of our world.

I knock on the door and a vampire named Simon opened it. He raised an eyebrow, "and to what do we owe this wonderful pleasure of having Jace Wayland knocking at our door?" Sebastian cleared his throat behind me. "And his brother…" Simon added.

"We need to talk to Valentine." I mutter.

"Actually…" Sebastian raises a finger, "HE needs to talk to Valentine… I'm just here as… a witness per say"

Simon frowned, "Is it because of those gay rumors he's spreading about you?"

I splutter. "Gay?" That bastard.

"Oh… I guess you haven't heard about it yet…" Simon stepped aside to let us in. "Yo, Jordan, get Valentine."

Jordan, one of the adopted werewolves, frowns then calls out, "MAIA! Get Valentine."

I look up to see the balcony that the two grand stair cases lead up too. Maia, presumably, rolls her eyes and looks down the hall which is hidden by our view, "Clary, get your dad."

Sebastian nodded, "Down the grapevine I see."

A tall man who was admittedly hot with blonde hair and dark eyes… abs that were shown through hit fitted shirt (maybe I am gay… no I like boobs and girl features thankyouverymuch).

He had a sexy lady beside him… like super model hot- pouty lips, exotic eyes, tall, fake tits, luscious hair, short dress, long legs, high heels.

She spotted me and winked flirtatiously. I nodded suggestively at her and Valentine shot us a glare.

"Jace Wayland. What brings you here?" Simon was watching from his spot by the door, Jordan was watching by his spot on the stairs, Maia was watching from the balcony, Sebastian was watching from beside me and this Clary chick was no where to be seen.

"I need to get married." I start.

He scowls and a blue-ish vein pops from his forehead, "Are you asking for MY DUAGHTER'S HAND IN MARRIAGE?" he yells outraged.

"What?" I don't even know his daughter. "No, I need you to stop spreading rumors about me! Chicks don't dig guys who have herpes or are gay." I glare at him.

The model's tinkling laughter fills the air. "Spreading rumors about a teen, dear?" She goes ignored.

"And whose fault is that?" Valentine asks giving me a one over.

I look at him incredulously, "Yours!"

"I need popcorn," Maia mutters from her spot.

"Here, here" Jordan agrees.

Valentine opens his mouth, but a charming melodic _feminine_ voice speaks, "Oh Daddy, don't be mad at Jace because he's good looking," we all turn to see a gorgeous redhead with stunning green eyes but a petite frame make her way down the steps. Jordan moves aside to let her pass.

I look to Sebastian and mouth, "Daddy?" but he's not looking at me. He's looking at the girl.

"Clarissa, Dear, do not get involved. And he's not that good looking." Valentine grumbles.

Clarissa laughs, "Oh he's _very _good looking." She winks at me and I feel heat rushing in my cheeks.

What the fuck? Jace Wayland does not blush!

I need to stop talking about myself in third person…

"Clary…" Valentine's voice is warning.

Clary/Clarissa shrugs, "You're getting old, right Amanda?" Clary looks to the model.

Amanda looks like she's considering this. Valentine glares and tells her to get out.

She slips by me and whispers for e to call her when I'm eighteen.

Valentine is staring daggers at me. "No one is better than me" Snow White's evil step-mother much? "I'm sorry Mr. Wayland, but you won't be marrying anytime soon. With a girl at least. You might wanna get checked out about the herpes though…"

Simon stifled a chuckle and I glared at him.

He shrugged as if to say, "He's my adopted dad, sorry bro, blood first then tea"

"Daddy!" Clary says appalled. She moves closer to me and I can see that she's about half a foot shorter than me, "Don't Worry Jace, I'd marry you. I obviously don't believe the rumors… though I'm curious… did you get Aline pregnant?"

"No, I didn't" I answer her question, then I realize she just said she'd marry me, "Wait, what?"

She winked at me and I'm about to say "I do" with my brother and Clary's adopted downworlder siblings as witnesses, but I remember Valentine and he scrambles between us before I can make a sound.

"How bout no," Valentine glares at me. I don't think he ever stopped since the first time.

"I see we have an objector…" Jordan mumbles. "Speak now or forever hold your peace."

"DAD!" Clary yells frustrated.

So Valentine gives me ultimatum. I can leave and never come back or talk to his daughter again, or I can come back for dinner tomorrow night.

I look at Clary, this girl I do not know but am obviously smitten with and I see her eyes pleading with me.

I make my decision.

"I'll see you tomorrow, _Valentine_" I sneer his name for effect, kiss Clary's hands to piss him off and solute the others while dragging my unusually quiet brother out the mansion.

Why'd I have to be so damn sexy that the 'hottest bachelor' finds me threatening?

Why are shadowhunters so frikken old school that I have to find a wife to 'inherit the thrown'?

I have a feeling I walked into bigger shit than I had planned.

* * *

**hehe, fanfic deleted this because I used naughty words in the summary...**

**Just re uploading them now xD**

**enjoy, review! Love you, sorry I haven't posted in a while!**


	2. Omen

**Omen**

I stare at myself in the mirror, fixing the sleeve of my button down and I idly wonder what I would look like with dark hair and eyeliner.

Maybe like Sebastian when he went through his goth faze.

He wasn't that bad looking. As a friend of mine, Isabelle, once said, "Rightly applied eyeliner makes you look ten times sexier."

A knock at the door brings me out of my head. I open it expecting to see my brother, but instead, it's my dad.

I blink twice and slam the door in his face. I grab my jacket and open my window.

Yes, I'm climbing out the window because I don't want to speak to my father. I can't help but feel that it was his fault I'm in this mess. He should have used a condom seventeen and a half years ago.

Or maybe I should have been a slower sperm cell.

Great. Now this is my fault.

"Jace" Dad called as I placed one foot out the window.

"Jace is no here. This house keeping. Uh… please leave message… beeeep" I adapted a Mexican accent as I ducked out the window and placed my feet on the ledge.

I peered down; I really did not think this through – my rooms on the second floor; how the hell was I supposed to get down now? Why couldn't I have some wicked awesome extra angel powers or some thing?

I inched side ways and spotted a trellis where Mom's roses were growing. I would only have to jump about two feet and then climb my way down.

Of course, when I actually got on the trellis, I didn't count on the roses having thorns.

I hopped off wiping my hands on my shirt. Then I groaned because I'm an idiot – I'm wearing white for crying out loud!

The porch lights come on and I make a dash down the block – I am so not in the mood to talk to Dad right now.

Jeeze, I'm such a teenager.

It's not until I'm about two blocks down, do I realize I left Sebastian. "Fuck," I groan and do an about face backtracking to home.

I'm by the hose again and I pick up gravel from the ground, and toss it at Seb's window.

He opens up his window, "What the fuck are you doing? Do I look like fucking Juliet to you, Romeo?"

"No, you look like Godzilla, but let's not go there right now," I say. "Now get down – oh and pass me a shirt too."

He closes the window and I'm confused until he strolls out the front door a few minutes later. He tosses me a – "Pink? PINK? Are you trying to feed Valentine's imagination?"

He shrugged, "Sorry, bro, I thought it was peach. Oh and Dad said you ruined Mom's roses."

I roll my eyes as I exchange button downs, "I stepped on like, five roses at most and I may have gotten a few drops of blood on them, but I hardly call that _ruining_ them."

He shook his head, "You dumbass, you should picked a few and give them to Clary – or Valentine… soften him up a bit."

"Clary wouldn't like roses." I say and I pray to the gods that I'm right.

Sebastian rolled his eyes like 'yea right buddy.'

I start walking to Morgenstern Manor, but Sebastian stops me, "Dude, it's that way." He points to the opposite direction than what I was walking in then glances at my feet, "Please tell me that's mud and not dog shit."

I look down then groan in frustration.

"Maybe it's an omen? Maybe you're not meant to marry or court or be with Clary after all."

"Court?" I mutter to myself.

.

.

.

.

.

I knock on the door and Jordan answers it. He glances at my attire, "Nice shirt." He snickers and steps aside to let us in.

"Real men where pink." I mumble trying to defend myself.

He patted my head, "I'm sure they do" and I'm about to go all ninja because only the ladies get touch these golden locks.

He leads us to the dinning room which is illuminated by hundreds of tiny whichlight.

I admit, it looked sexy – it gave the room a bluish tone that glittered and reflected against the glass center piece in the middle of the table. There where whichlight secured in the wall and even decked out in the chandelier.

At the head of the table, sat valentine and his… girlfriend? She wasn't Amanda from yesterday, but she looked just as good.

Mia sat to the left of him with Simon across from her drinking out of a goblet. I'm willing to bet that he was not drinking tomato juice.

Jordan sat next to Maia and Sebastian took a seat next to Simon. Clary walked in looking gorgeous in this silky garnet colored dress with her hair up in some sophisticated up-do, held in place by… was that a chopstick?

"Sorry about the lighting, Daddy's too cheap – he won't pay the electricity bill, so he illuminates us with blue light that makes us looks like the aliens in Avatar."

"Tis true," Maia confirms.

Valentine glares at his children, "When do you turn eighteen again?"

Clary looks to me with a frown on her face, "I'm disappointed, no roses?"

Sebastian gives me a look like 'told you so'

"um… I… didn't know if you were allergic…" I mentally pat my back. Good job Jace, good job.

She smiled in triumph and turned to Daddy dearest, "See, not only is he good looking, but he's considerate too." I wouldn't have been surprised if she stuck her tongue out at him.

He glared at me – what else is new? And ordered me to sit.

Food was served and everyone was settled. Clary was glancing at me every chance she could with a slight oink to her cheeks. Her legs rubbed against mine every once in a while, but stopped midway as Valentine cleared his throat, "So gotten those herpes checked out?"

Clary tensed and glared at her dad as I dropped my fork, "DAD!"

"You want to start this now?" I growl at the same time.

"Fight, fight, fight" Maia chanted lowly.

Valentine whipped his mouth with a napkin and threw it against the table – conveniently making gravy droplets fall upon his girl's rack, in which she dipped her finger to wipe it off. She placed her finger in her mouth and glanced up at me winking sensually.

I wasn't the only one who noticed because Clary stood up and told her to, simply, leave.

As if none of those ten seconds just happened, Valentine looked at me, "I have a proposition for you. You may marry my daughter."

"Really?" I'm so stunned I have to lean back.

Clary is beaming at her dad and the others looked utterly shocked. Then he says, "But, you have to do a few tasks first – just to see if you're worthy enough."

"Was about to say…" Simon muttered.

"Seriously?" Sebastian groaned, "All this because you need a wife? You couldn't have picked some ditzy blonde who doesn't give a shit if you're 'gay' or if you have an 'STD'?"

I blink and flick a piece of meat at him.

Valentine continues ignoring the interruption, "Your first task – if you chose to accept – is bring me the water of Lake Lyn. By tomorrow."

Clary sighed, "I understand if you don't choose to accept it." She then glared at her dad – I'm pretty sure glaring is in the family now.

My heart goes out to this girl, so I of course say, "I'll have it by sundown." I get up along with my brother who's looking exasperated.

I'm about to leave, but Clary runs after me, "Jace – wait!" I turn to face her as she grabs my hands and turns them palms faced up. She pulls out what I previously thought was a chopstick – turns out it's a golden stele – from her hair, letting it fall down her shoulder. I'm too busy staring at her; I don't even realize she's drawing an _itraz, _healing my cuts from those dreadful rose thorns.

When she's done, she looks up at me biting her lips. She reaches on her tip toes and kisses my cheek, very close to my lips, "Good luck," she breathes out.

I nod numbly and had out the door. I'm already down the walkway where she calls me and I turn, "Yea?"

She smiles with twinkling eyes, "Pink is a _very_ manly color."

.

.

.

"You dumb ass." Sebastian says to me when where a good two blocks away.

"Excuse me?"

"How the hell are you going to get to Lake Lyn and back by tomorrow at sundown –which by the way is around five."


	3. Sassy Fire Hydrant

**Sassy Fire Hydrant**

"Uh…I did not think this through…" I scratch the back of my head staring at my brother.

He looks at me like I'm a dumbass… point taken…

He sighs heavily, "Do you ever think things through?" I open my mouth to answer, but he puts a hand up to silence me. I'm thinking about how that was such a Fes move form _That 70s Show_ while he drones on about me being a "dumbass" and a "fool".

Blah… Blah… Blah…

He should get a hair cut. I voice this out loud and he looks exasperated. "Are you even listening to me? That's it!" and he starts to walk away.

He's angry and it makes my mind wander to Clary for some reason. I bet she'd look hot when she's angry…

Yeah, at this point, I'm pretty sure Valentine drugged the food.

"Wait!" I call after Sebastian, "Where are you going?" He can't leave me! How the fuck am I supposed to get to Idris?

"He doesn't stop walking, but he answers me, "I'm going home to …" I cant here him from how far away he is now, and he seems to get the point because suddenly, my phone is ringing. I pick up, and he doesn't even wait for me to say 'hello' "I said, I'm going home to keep mom and dad distracted while you… do your thing." He hangs up.

"Thanks bro, by the way, mom would be so proud of your phone manners." I grumble into the silent phone.

What a dick wad.

I groan and stare up at the dark sky. I have less than ten hours to travel all the way to Idris and come back with a vile of lake water.

"How the fuck…"

"Pssst," I hear and turn around to see where the voice was coming from. I frown as I see a red fire hydrant with a pink scarf wrapped around it.

Yea, Valentine drugged the food.

"I'm hearing things…" I tell my self as I slowly walk up the block.

"Pssst, over here!" I whip… my hair back and forth! No, just kidding, but I did whip my head to the sound… and either the fire hydrant is stalking to me, or I'm being paranoid.

I rub my eyes, ignoring the attention whore fire hydrant and pull out my phone.

I'm just about to dial the clave to open up a damn portal, like _pronto_, when the fire hydrant decides to get mean. "What, _what, _WHAT are you doing? You stupid bitch!"

"Who said that?" I ask, and I admit, this is turning into a corny horror movie.

Haha, horror…whore or… deffinatly drugged…

"ME, you stupid bitch." The fire hydrant…wobbles up to me.

I'm not sure how drugged I am, but I have come to terms that the fire hydrant can talk. "You're a mean little guy, aren't you? I hope you get pissed on."

"Little? Bitch, who are you calling little?" Sassy Fire Hydrant snaps at me.

_I_ stare down at it like _its crazy_ – pretty ironic. "You're a fire hydrant, I'm like more than twice your size." I state the obvious.

"Fire hydrant?"

Oh... was I politically incorrect? "I mean...um short red…American…thing…?"

It chuckles, "Oopsies, I forgot to change forms." A blast of dust explodes around it and I have to take a step back.

"Um… you're still a hydrant…" I say.

"What the…ugh… gimmie a minute… um turn around."

"Why?"

"JUST DO IT!" Sassy Fire Hydrant demands. I put my hands up and turn away.

A minute later it… he tells me to turn around and in it... his place was a sparkly man who looked about nineteen and was a few inches taller than me. His hair was spiked and… colorful and his clothes were tight and… also colorful. Though he still had on the pink scarf.

"Warlock?" I guess, and I hope I'm right, because I am way too high to be fighting a shape shifting sassy fire hydrant attention whore demon.

"Duh. Stupid bitch." He mumbles the last part. "Magnus Bane."

"Oh… I'm –"

He cuts me off, "A stupid bitch."

I frown, Jeeze, you're worst than my brother… Anyway, you got my attention, so what do you want? And also, why were you a fire hydrant just now?"

"Because it's better than being a bench." He says in a 'duh' voice. "And, I want to help you."

I'm confused, "Why? I don't know you?"

He grinned like a Cheshire cat… and his yellow cat eyes don't actually help his creepy pedo face. "But I know you… and I've been following you around for a while – mainly because I was bored and I wanted to see your blue eyed friend."

I cock my head to the side, ignoring the fact that he just admitted to stalking me, "Alec?" he hummed hungrily and nodded. "Um… okay… I'll be sure to introduce you next time…"

I picture myself introducing my best friend to a fire hydrant with a pink scarf and giggle to myself.

Ugh, Jace Wayland DOES NOT giggle.

"Anyway, your being a dumb bitch by calling those lazy ass Clave douche's. All you have to do is take the portal from Madam Dorthea's house. Here give me your hand, and we'll flash travel there." I cautiously take the sparkly warlock's hand.

"Why can't we just _flash travel_ to Idris?" I ask.

He narrows his eyes at me, "Shit doesn't work like that DB. Ugh, I feel sorry for the shadow hunters when you become head of the Clave. Hopefully that cute red head will keep you level headed."

I grin at the mere mention of Clary. She's soooo pretty.

I wonder how long these drugs last.

I don't get time to even think more, because suddenly light is surrounding me…and Magnus. Then it's gone and I we're standing in front of a plump angry lady with a turban wrapped around her head.

"What the fuck, Magnus, don't you ever knock?" she growls at Magnus. I'm tempted to ask her if she has a mermaid tattoo her arm.

Magnus rolls his eyes, "DB, here" he points to me, "Just needs to use your portal."

Portal kind of sounds like porta…porta potty…

"Is he drugged?" she asked, "I've never seen anybody look so out of it since the hippies during the Flower Power Era."

Magnus shrugged. He handed me a little vile, "For the water." He explains. He pushes me towards a door in the back. "Well, good luck, Dumb Bitch – oh and don't drink the water; it's poisonous. He opens the door and there's a swirling vortex. "Think 'Lake Lyn' and close your mouth. Toodles!"

"How do I get back?" I ask suddenly.

"There's a portal behind the tree."

I don't get a chance to ask 'which tree' because Sassy Pink Scarf Wearing Fire Hydrant-turned warlock pushes me into the portal and I'm free falling.

Why does Valentine want poison water?

And that was the last thought I had until my (hot, sexy, well toned) body plunged into the cold _poisonous _water of Lake Lyn.


	4. All That Glitters

**All That Glitters**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

It's fucking _cold_.

So cold, I'm sure my nipples can cut through glass.

Diamonds can cut through glass.

My nipples are as hard as diamonds.

Maybe it's the drugs, or maybe it's the water of Lake Lyn – that I should not have swallowed – but I suddenly think about how my life would be if I was living in an alternate universe as a sparkly vampire king named Caius.

Psh, I'd still look hot.

I will my legs to kick and my hands to fucking paddle, because I'm loosing oxygen in this murky water and I don't want to be a corpse before I marry Clary.

Finally, I'm washed up on shore all wet and sexy looking. I bet Madame Dorthea and Sassy Fire – uh, Magnus are watching me from their crystal ball… just to see my wet body. I wink for good measures, but if it turns out that they aren't watching, and my wink was fruitless, then I'll just pass it off as drugs.

I start coughing and suddenly I'm hacking up on the sand. There's blood, seaweed, and… a pearl...

Yea, still high. Those were some strong ass drugs. Props to you _Father in law to be_. I hope he somehow got that message.

I lay on the sand faced up looking at the pinkish sky. Is the sun rising? Or is it setting?

Do they above love to be loved, and yet those lovers scorn whom that love doth possess?

Why did I randomly quote that sonnet?

Why am I thinking in question?

While I'm at it: Who is Eric Cartman's real father?

And who killed John F. Kennedy?

I slowly feel myself drip out of consciousness, but I force my self to crawl over to the lake and get some water into the vile that was gripped tightly by my hands.

.

.

.

.

.

"_You see right through me_." I hear someone singing. I can't see them. I've gone fucking blind.

I find my voice, "_How do you that shit?_" Man, I love Nikki Minaj… because of her ass… not her heartfelt lyrics… cough…

"Oh! Finally, your up!" my eyes open and I'm obviously not blind. I turn my head to see a lady with brownish blonde hair and blue eyes.

"Who are you? Where am I? What time is it?" and for the sake of ten seconds ago, "_How do you do that shit?_"

"I'm your savior, but you can call me Amatis. Your in Glass City and its an hour to sundown." She says.

An hour till sundown?

I sit up straight and I see I'm on a bed. I also note that I'm off that high I was on.

I grab a hold of her shoulders, "Lady! I need to get out of here! Where is there a portal?"

"AMATIS! And does it look like I know? I was just minding my own damn business when I suddenly get some fire note telling me to help the blonde boy down by the lake. And you know what? I'm a _good fucking Samaritan_, so I fucking help the fucking ungrateful blonde boy!"

"Chill la – Amatis. Wait, fire note? Who sent it?" I'm willing to bet it was Magnus… because who else could it be? Sebastian would still be distracting Mom and Dad… but then, only Shadow hunters can send Fire notes… because of the fire rune…

"Don't hurt your pretty little head trying to figure it out." She grabbed something from the nightstand and handed it to me, "Want to tell me why you were getting water from the lake?"

"No, not really." I reply grabbing the full vile.

She sighed heavily and got up from the seat by the bed that she was sitting in. I got up to follow her and it was then that I realized: I was not wearing my original clothing. I had on some dark wash jeans and some old band T-shirt that said "NIRVANA" on it.

"Who dressed me?" I wonder out loud. Amatis chooses to ignore me as she leads me down the stairs an out the door. "Where do I go?"

She crinkles her eyebrows at me, "Do I look like your mom?"

"No, my mom is way prettier; some may even call her a MILF. But what does that have to do with anything?"

She pinched the bridge of her nose, "Just get out."

"Someone needs to take out that stick from her ass…" I mutter as the door slams behind me. "What about my clothes?" and soon enough the pink shirt I've come to love along with my pants are being thrown out the window and it looks like a bad break up scene.

Whatever.

I chuck the deuce up and walk away.

Magnus said there was a portal near a tree or something…

There is like a ton of tree here.

I also have less than an hour…

Fuck my life.

Hard.

In the ass.

With a rake.

Sideways.

Ouch.

.

.

.

.

Fifty fucking three minutes later.

Turns out there were big arrows that said "PORTAL HERE". Whish I saw that an hour ago.

I look from side to side to see if I was being followed cause I'm paranoid like that.

I step into the portal thinking about Valentine's witch light Dinning room.

I step out and I see the clock saying I'm three minutes early. I'm a punctual motherfucker.

"What the fuck?" I ask as the clothes from my hands dropped to the floor.

I swear to the fucking Spaghetti monster that Valentine and _Magnus_ are snorting glitter on the table…

Magnus looks up with his cat eyes open wide, "Jace… this isn't what it looks like…" he has tiny glitter dust surrounding his nose.

Valentine looks up, "Well, well, well, look who's back, back, back."

"What the fuck." I repeat again. "You're working with him? What the hell, Magnus! I thought we were _bitches_. It's cause I'm slightly tan, right?"

"No, Jace, I uh… Its not what it looks like." He says again.

"It looks like you and Valentine are snorting glitter."

"Okay," He sighed, "It sort of is what it looks like."

"Hey, I heard voices is everything – Jace!" Clary says as she enters the room. She spots me and runs over to me, nearly jumping me. I'm tempted to twirl her like the fucking princess she is, but I refrain and settle with a half assed hug as I still try to process the scene in front of me.

"Daddy? Why do you have glitter on your nose?" She asks staring at her father.

"Oh, it's nothing, Sweetheart." He says as he hastily wipes his nose with the back of his sleeve.

I glare at him and Magnus. I drop the vile on the table, "Here's your poison water." I grab Clary's hand and drag her to the door.

"Where do you think your going?" Valentine demands as he takes the vile and opens it. I swear to Osiris, I see vapors rising from the liquid.

"To marry your daughter. I got your water. That was the deal."

He grins like a dickhead, "No, you heard wrong. I said 'tasks' as in plural, as in you have more to do."

Clary glared at her Dad as he continued, "You need to go to one of my ex's house and retrieve a cup for me. Just tell her Valentine sent you and she'll know what your talking about."

"_A cup_?" I ask. "A cup?" I repeat to confirm.

"Really dad? You can't drink your wine from a normal cup? And really, you needed water from Lake Lyn to water the plants?" She asks as he pours the liquid into a pot of soil.

I spot Magnus creeping silently out the door. I shake my head at him then turn back to Valentine and repeat, once again – just to make sure, "A cup?"

* * *

**Yes Jace, A cup.**

**A fucking cup**

**I bet you bitches know what cup I'm talking about.**

**And no, Valentine isn't going to use it to kill off people. Valentine is nice in this, but evil as in the "I'm better than you" kind of way. So he literally wants the cup to drink his wine ;)**

**Ummmmm twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer... holy shit is that how you spell her name? Ugh… I forget, but you know who I'm talking about and you see what I did there Jace… Jamie bower… Caius… Twilight… wink, wink**

**You See Right Through Me is by Nikki Minaj, and that whole " I like her cus of her ass" thing is from Jenna Marbles**

**Um…**

**REVIEW! (Fave paaaarrrt) **

**VOTE ON MY PROFILE**

**Uh… I'm bored. I should do homework…**

**How do you do that shit?**

**How do you do that shit?**

**How do you do that shit?**

**How do you?**

**How do you?**

**How do you?**

**How do you?**

… **I should go…**


	5. Smoke, Mirrors and Kisses

**Smoke, Mirrors, and Kisses**

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Clary walks me out of the house –mansion – whatever.

"Sorry about Daddy. He doesn't like competition." She mumbles placing a delicate finger on my chest. I notice her fingers are painted green. It's then that she realizes my outfit has been changed. She takes a step back, "The shirt looks really familiar…"

"Some lady gave it to me… I blanked out." I explained

Clary nodded as if she expected it. "The drugs…"

I frown at her, "You knew?"

She shook her head, "Yes… but only until after you left. You never finished your meal and Jordan was still hungry. He ate your left overs and… well, you know."

I sighed out a breath of relief. "So… how am I supposed to know which ex you father is talking about?"

She bit her lips, "I'm ninety nine point nine percent sure that he's talking about my mom."

Oh sweet mother Theresa. If her dad is psycho, then only a psycho lady would want to marry his crazy ass and reproduce a very sexy, un crazy, hot red head…

As if reading my thoughts, she lets out a sigh, "He wasn't always this self centered… Dad, I mean… but when he did, mom left him for her long time friend, Luke. Of course, there was this whole custody agreement thing; I stayed with him and my brother went with my mom."

"Brother…?"

She nodded. "Speaking of which, I was thinking you needed some extra help?"

"Yea, Sebastian sort of ditched me in a discreet way… but, apparently, he's helping by distracting my parents."

She bit her lips – she seems to be doing that a lot. Her lips were swelling and I so badly wanted to kiss them. Her mouth moves, but I don't hear the words coming out. Her mouth does this provocative thing when she says 'help' – the way her tongue moves when she says the '-lp' part.

I grab her hands and push her against the door, placing my mouth on hers. My hands slide up her shoulder to cup her cheeks. She seems shocked – her eyes were wide open, but soon she's fluttering them close and leaning into me, gripping my hair, pulling me closer. She moans into my mouth and gasps as I trace her bottom lip with my tongue.

Then the door flies open and we're both tumbling backwards.

We look up to see Simon, the vampire, staring down at us with an eyebrow raised, "…So lucky I wasn't Dad." I quickly shuffle to my feet and pull Clary up with me. Her cheeks are flaming red.

She looks at me with a sort of shine in her eyes, "so, is that a 'yes'?"

I frown. "Yes to what?" I really should start paying attention.

She giggles, "to take Simon and Jordan for help."

There she goes again, saying 'help'. I swear, I'm about to tackle her again, not caring that Simon was watching… I don't mind a ménage à trois…

But I snap myself out of it and nod, "Yea, that would be cool. I'm sure they know where your mother lives."

She nods her head, "Me and Maia will stay here and keep an eye on Daddy."

Jordan walks down the stairs sideways, leaning his back against the railing, while mumbling spy music. "He's still a little loopy." Simon explained.

I nod in understanding.

Simon led the way down the path. I step aside so Jordan can pass by. I'm about to follow, but Clary takes hold of my hand turns me around until I'm facing her. She grabs my cheeks and pulls me into another kiss. "Good luck," she breathes out as she pulls away.

"Hurry up, you dyed blonde goth wannabe!" Simon yelled.

I stick my middle finger up at him. "I'm saying bye to my lady!"

Clary chuckles, but then her face turned serious, "If a party is going on, DO NOT GO IN"

I'm about to ask why but the door shuts abruptly, just in time for me to see Valentine.

I sigh and walk over to Jordan and Simon. "Just for the record, I'm a natural blonde."

"Right," Jordan said, "And I once had an open mouth kiss with a horse"

Simon raised his eyebrow, "…But what about last summer at the –"

"Shut up." Jordan muttered. I'm afraid to ask.

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An hour later, the three of us are standing in front of the door to a condo.

There's music echoing through the halls and smoke coming out of the door.

Jordan reaches out to open the door but I snatch his hand away. "Dude, Clary told me not to go in if there was a party…"

"Well how do we even know it's a party if we don't open the door?" I stare at Simon incredulously; smoke, music and is that freaking strobe lights passing through the creeks of the door?

I don't voice this aloud because Simon is already reaching the knob and turning it.

The door flies out of his grip and white fog welcomes – beckons, no, tempt – us in. there's shadows of gyrating dancers and it seems as vibrations from the music were rippling through the crowd.

The music is loud and clear in my ears:

_If I'm still alive,_

_My regrets are few._

_If my life is mine;_

_What shouldn't I do?_

Simon nods his head, "Yup, this is a party." And he walks in. I look at him baffled; shouldn't we keep Clary's warning in mind? I'm sure there's a reason for her not wanting us to be there.

"She probably doesn't want us to have any fun." Jordan Replies to my thoughts. I'm guessing I said that out loud.

"Don't be pussy." Simon taunted.

Jordan chuckled, "aw, leave him alone, Bro; he's obviously whipped." Simon makes a whipping motion with his hands.

I scowl at them.

Jace Wayland does not give into peer pressure.

But Jace Wayland is not whipped either.

I step into the fog, dragging Jordan with me, since I was still holding his hand. I let go of it quickly, wiping my hand on my – well, not really – tee.

Jordan wiggles his eyebrows at me. I roll my eyes and turn to Simon, but he's not there.

I look around and spotted him in between bodies of women, grinding up against him as if he was a stripper pole.

I squint closer and I see one of the girls twirl to another bot – Jordan.

"What the fu…" I turn my head. I could have sworn this asshole was right beside me.

I groan and shift my way over to them. A closer look at the girls, and my eyes are bulging, "Maia? Isabelle?"

What the fuck was going on? Isabelle… well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised at seeing her at this party, but wasn't Maia supposed be with Clary?

"Jace!" Isabelle squeals, turning herself so that her back was to Simon. She was still moving her hips against his. "I haven't seen you in a while. I heard you had to get married, Bro."

"Yea… Are you drunk?"

"No. But I'm absolutely intoxicated." She winked at me and turned back to Simon, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"What the fuck" I mumble to myself. I turn to Maia who was dancing against Jordan. "Where's Clary?"

Maia shrugged. She was such help.

I move my way out of the dancing crash right into someone.

I whip around, "Clary?" Of course, by now, I'm utterly confused. But that doesn't stop me from admiring her. She had on the black and re stilettos and a fitted strappy dress that made her boobs pop. Fishnet stockings and red lipstick. Dark eye shadow and a curly hair.

"Jace! You made it Babe!"

What the fuck? Is this chick on a trip? Didn't she tell me not to come? And now she's staring at me with… lust? I'm beginning to think Jordan was right about her not wanting us to have fun.

She must have sensed something in my face because she quickly pulls me away from all the commotion and into a spear bedroom.

It's crazy how much clearer the music was in here,

Clary closes the door, and something in her eyes change. A slow smile creeps up on her face and she starts walking closer to me.

I'm startled as fuck; I walk backwards, the back of my knees hitting the bed, causing me to tumble backwards.

She has me trapped against the bed and her.

This is kind of hot, but I'm also tempted to yell rape.

She moves closer trailing a red painted finger from my stomach to my chest. Wasn't her nails green an hour or so ago? I blink and next to thing I know, she's straddling me.

"…_You crack the whip, shape shifting trick – the past again. Send you my love on a wire; lift you up every time_…" I blink rapidly, was she singing? Sexy voice though.

I feel like I'm in a daze and I stare up at the ceiling. I can't help but feel like something was off.

I grip her arms and shift so that I'm sitting up, "Clary… what's going on?"

I notice a mirror hanging on the wall across from us. It must some a trick mirror because I see Clary's hair as an ultra blonde color. And really short… A closer look at the mirror has me seeing ripples of muscles on her back and a crap load of runes.

I blink rapidly and look back to Clary's face. I scream.

Where her green eyes should have been, there were black eyes. I shift back and holy fucking shit. "Who the hell are you?" I yell.

A sharp grin spread through the person in front of me's feature, "Jonathon Morgenstern; Your soon to be brother in law."

My boner died.

* * *

**OHHHH who saw that coming?**

**XD**

**I don't know why… but I love writing party scenes…**

**The songs used were, "Help me, I'm Alive" and "Black Sheep" Both by Metric**


	6. Misconception

**Misconception**

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**.**

**.**

I'm sure my face visibly paled.

I push my soon to be _brother-in-law_ off of me. "What. The. Hell." I blink my eyes rapidly, trying to peel away the glamour that made me believe he was Clary.

I frown when I look at him. He still has on the black dress and black and red stilettos. His nails are painted red and he has on the fishnets. Dark eye shadow still rests upon his lids but he's muscular now and where there was curly red hair, it was now ultra blonde straight hair.

"Do you… always dress up as your sister?" I ask inching towards the door.

He purses his red lipstick stained lips and answers, "Sometimes."

I shake my head in a nod as if this is normal – which it isn't, really. "Uh huh…" I turn the knob and slammed open the door bolting out to the party leaving the cross dresser in my dust.

Somehow, it seems foggier than when we first arrived. I spot Simon doing some weird movement like "the robot" and "the chicken dance" meshed in one and Izzy is right next to him giggling. Though, I'm not sure if that's really Izzy anymore.

I make my way to them.

"Jace! Where ya been bro? They gave us these tiny red and blue pills in these martini cups! They taste disgusting, but then they gave us this bubbly blue liquid to drown it down. That also tasted nasty!" I frown at Jordan. He was high _before_ we got here, now he's beyond buzzed?

I look to Maia and notice her eyes I was pretty sure Maia had brownish eyes. Not green-yellow cat eyes.

I do something that could probably get my assed kicked to Mexico.

I slap her.

It seems as if the whole party stops to stare at me. The music seems to cut and the smoke seems to dissolve into the air.

Jordon loses his high, and Simon stares at me, mouth opened.

Isabelle blinks at me, "Dude…"

Jordon looks like he's about to jump me. But I yell out, "Wait!"

'_Maia'_ sighs, "Okay, you caught me," she flips her pink scarf over her shoulders and starts to shimmer. "Dumb Betch," 'she' shoves my shoulders playfully as her features change and I thank Isis that I was right.

"Oh hi, Magnus. Are you here to retrieve your knife FROM MY BACK?" I yell. He winces and I'm satisfied.

"Can someone please tell me, what the hell is going on?" Isabelle asks.

"I need to stay off the drugs." Jordon muttered.

"Found you!" they all shift their attention to the voice, but I keep my eyes locked on Magnus, incase he tried to disappear. Again.

"You see Jonathon in dress too, right?" Jordan mumbles to Simon.

Clary's brother, Jonathon – presumably – sighs, "Okay, party is over. Everyone leaves."

We all start to make our way to the door, but we're stopped, "Except you five." He points to our group.

"Well," Simon grumbled, "only because you asked nicely."

Jonathon looks at Magnus, "help?"

Magnus snapped his fingers as the people left grumbling. The dark room brightened. The strobe lights were gone and a coffee table surrounded by couches appeared.

The blonde boy in the dress plopped down and crossed his legs, "Sit." He demanded.

"Suck my dick." Jordan said.

"Whip it out, honey." Jonathon challenged.

Magnus clapped as he sat down on the sofa, opposite from Jonathon, "Oh! A show."

Jordan started to unbuckle his belt. "Whoa!" I shout. "You stop and sit!" I order Jordan. I look to Simon, "Get him water or something – sober him up." I glare at Magnus, "You shut the fuck up," I look to Izzy, "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"I heard there was a party, so I came. I told Alec to come, but he refused." She explained.

I nod, "Okay, sit." I order and look to Jonathon. "You. Explain. Now."

"What is there to explain? _Bro._" I scowl at him for calling me 'bro'.

"How did you know me? I literally just met your sister two days ago."

"Magnus."

I glared at him. "I can explain…?" Magnus offers.

"Didn't I tell you to shut the fuck up?" I ask.

The doorbell rang and Jordan got up to go get it. I push him back down, "Did I not tell you to sit your ass down?"

Jonathon grinned, "Your bossy. I like it."

Simon shifted uncomfortably, "I'll get it."

He got up and opened the door. We stared after him. Clary stormed in looking extremely angry. And hot. A smile spreads on my face but she glares at me, "Wipe that grin off your face Wayland." I open my mouth like a fish out of water. Clary just… that was hot.

She walked in the living room and pushed me down on the sofa. I was next to Jonathon, so I shifted away from him as he sent me suggestive looks.

She kicked the coffee table out of the way and stood in the center. She zoned in on Isabelle, "Who the fuck are you?"

Isabelle had her mouth open, "Excuse me? Bitch, I am Isabelle Lightwood."

Oh hell no. Isabelle did not just call my almost-wife a bitch.

Clary glared at her but averted her attention to her brother. "…Is that my dress? Are those my Giuseppe high heels? What the fuck Jonathon! I told you NEVER TO WEAR MY SHIT AGAIN!"

The five of us wince, simultaneously, at the loudness of her voice.

She took a deep breath, "Where's Mom and Luke?"

"…The cupboards" he said in a small voice.

Clary's hands fisted at her sides. She strutted to the kitchen and opened a small storing closet beneath the sink.

Simon raised an eyebrow, "The cupboards…? I can see why Dad chose Clary instead of you."

Out of the closet, two people step tumble out. A lady who looked like an older version of Clary and a scruffy man who kind of reminds me of Wolverine from X-men.

"YOU ARE SO GROUNDED!" the lady yelled at Jonathon.

Jonathon pouted. I groaned. What the hell have I gotten myself into?

"Well," Magnus said stretching, "Aren't family reunions the best?" he looked to Wolverine and winked, "Hey Luscious"

Luke – I'm guessing – or Luscious, frowned, "Magnus, didn't we ban you from here?"

Clary came back into the living room with; I'm guessing, her mom and Luke. "Simon, Jordan, go help Maia or Sebastian with Dad or Jace's parents."

Isabelle raised her eyebrow and turns to me, "You're marrying this bossy chick?"

"Marrying?" Luke and Jocelyn yell simultaneously as Clary demands, "Bossy?"

Simon and Jordan get up, obviously not wanting to witness the drama.

Luke took a seat on the couch and looked at me, "I hope you know what you're getting yourself into." He mumbled.

I let out a half chuckle. He didn't even know the half of it.

Jocelyn was staring between Clary and I; Clary was glaring at her brother; Isabelle was staring off into space and Magnus was shifting his gaze towards everyone in the room.

He catches my eyes and waves bashfully. I glare at him.

"Um look, I'm sorry to rush, but Valentine wants some golden wine cup, so yea… that would be nice." I say

Jocelyn raised an eyebrow; "He's making you do all his errands, before he gives you his 'blessings'?"

"Huh, Clary, why didn't you tell me that your mom was not only beautiful, but psychic too?" I laid on the charm thick.

She smiled at me then turned to her husband, "Go get the cup Luke." Then she turned to her son, "To your room. And no Lady Gaga for a month."

He opened his mouth, "But Mom!" he whined, "I'm on the right track, Mommy, I was born this way!"

"Stupid Betch." Magnus mumbled.

Luke handed me a golden cup with jewels incrusted on to it. Isabelle got up, "well, I should go, see you later Jace – and Kudos on your wedding." She gave Clary a once over, "Good taste." She admitted. Then left.

Magnus got up, I glared at him and he sat back down.

"Mom, Luke, We'll explain later, but right now we have to give this Daddy." She grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the place.

When we were outside, I grinned at her, "You came for me."

"Don't talk to me." She said.

"Aww, Clary, I'm sorry! I know you said not to go in if there was a party, but… would you believe me if I told you it was peer pressure?"

She rolled her eyes, "Next time, just listen to me."

I turned her around and kissed her. "Am I forgiven now?"

She giggled, "Maybe."

We started walking again, then I asked, "so… why does your brother…"

She shrugged, "He's weird like that. Would you believe me if told you he has a girlfriend?"

I shook my head, "No. Probably not. Anyway, how does Magnus fit in with everything?"

She shrugged again, "He's close with Dad, and he hangs out with my brother – he just has nothing better to do."

"But isn't he, like, the high warlock of Brooklyn?"

"Who knows? What about Isabelle? How do you know her?" I didn't miss the bitterness – shits kind of hot.

I smile, "She's my Parabatai's sister, and she once dated Sebastian."

"Oh… huh, where is Sebastian?" she wondered.

I furrow my eyebrows. I haven't heard from him since I came back from Idris…

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* * *

**Oh noes *le gasp* where'd Sebastian go? I thought he was with his mom and dad, right? I don't know, I guess we'll find out later ;)**

**So yes… Jonathon is weird and Magnus was banned from Jocelyn and Luke's place…**

**So, favorite part?**

**Review =)**


	7. The Color of Sex

**The Color of Sex**

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I grabbed my cell from the pants placed on me, but it was dead and still a bit wet.

How the hell am I supposed to call Sebastian?

We are half way down the block, when we hear feet padding against the sidewalk.

"Wait up!"

I turn to the voice and smile, wiggling my eyebrows "Hey Luscious"

Soon to be _stepfather in law_ gives me a look. I shrug, "What so the back-stabbing-glitter-sniffing-warlock-slash-fire-hydrant-with-a-pink-scarf can call you that but I can't?"

He opens his mouth to say something but then cocks his head to the side.

Hehe; cocks.

Oh damn, I am a dirty boy.

No, a _naughty_ boy.

I wonder if Clary would spank me.

Luke stared at me open mouthed. Oh shit, I said that aloud.

"I'm going to ignore that and ask you: Is that my shirt?" he asked.

"I knew that looked familiar!" Clary exclaimed.

I run my hand through my tousled-by-the-wind, sexy, golden locks. "No?"

Luscious shook his head and turned to his stepdaughter, "You're dad, legit, just sent this via Fire rune."

Clary took the note he held out and stared at him weirdly, "Did you just say '_legit_'?"

Luke smiled bashfully and headed back to the condo.

Clary opened the letter and read it, at least three times before handing it to me.

"What does it say?" I'm too lazy to read Valentine's cryptic words that probably jab my sexuality.

Clary gives me a look – that's oh so very sexy on her. "If I knew, do you think I'd give it to you?"

"Okay, sweet heart, you need to calm those perky tits of yours down." I say as I read the letter. But Valentine might as well just give us the Da Vinci Code.

It kind of looks like… "I know who can help us!"

"A condom?" Clary asks.

I give her a look – and I thought _I_ was the sexual one, "What? _WHO, _not _what. _Babe, Get with the program."

Her cheeks turn a shade of sex.

Of pink. They turn a shade of pink.

Because, sex is not a color. But if it was… it probably wouldn't be pink…

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Ten minutes later, we're standing outside of Taki's and Clary is looking at me skeptically. "Food? You want to eat now? Shouldn't we give this," She held up the cup, "To Daddy?"

"Trust me, there are a lot of things we should and shouldn't do. And didn't you just want to have sex? I'm sorry, but you have to wine and dine me first – then you may molest me." I say as I hold the door out for her.

"I did not…" her cheeks turned sex again.

I chuckle. As I walk in, I spot my Parabatai, Alec seated by a window, next to Isabelle. I walk over to them with a reluctant Clary.

"Fancy meeting you guys here." I say as I slide in next to Alec, leaving Clary to sit next to Izzy.

"Ew, didn't I just see you?" Izzy asked blinking at me.

I ignore her and look to Alec, "This," I motion to Clary, "Is my...um…Fiancé?"

Clary smiled at him. He stared at her then looked to me.

Oh the tension.

"Where were you?" He demanded.

"Um…well, I was at Morgenstern Manor, then Idris, then back to Morgenstern Manor, then at a party." I tell him as I stare out the window.

Since when was there a bench in front of Taki's?

And it looks like someone left their pink scarf on it…

"YOU," Alec said speaking loudly, "HAVE GOT _SOME NERVE_." He shook his head at me, mumbling: "Stupid blonde."

I looked at him stunned and out a hand against my chest, and whispered dramatically, "That hurt."

Isabelle rolls her eyes, "Listen, I hate to break up the little cock fight, but is there a reason you guys are here?"

Clary shrugged, "I wish I knew." She said staring pointedly at me.

I flash her a smile and flag down Kealie. "Hey Beautiful," Clary's eyes flash dangerously at me and Alec stares incredulously.

She smiles, "Hello Darling, What can I do for you."

I chuckle, cus _oh the things you can do…_

Clary kicks me under the table and Alec pinches me.

They're so cute when they're jealous. But that hurt.

I glare at them and clear my throat, "Um actually," I take out the paper and hand it to her, "Do you think you can translate this?"

Clary stares at me, "Why would… it's in Fair Folk language, isn't it?"

"What?" Alec demands, "What's in Fair Folk language? What the heck am I missing?"

Isabelle gives her brother a look, "Bro, trust me, you don't want to know."

I hand Kealie the note and watch as she reads it. "It says, the Seelie Queen has Sebastian and you need to save him and get some… anti-aging cream…?"

Clary blinked, "What the fuck, Dad…"

"WHAT?" I yell standing up, "my brother is in the fucking Seelie court? What about Mom and Dad…"

"Oh, Dumb Betch," Magnus appears beside Kealie all glittery and shit with his stupid pink scarf. "I'm taking care of the old ones – using my magical powers and shit."

"Magnus," Clary said, also standing up, "How long was Sebastian there?"

He shrugged, "Like two days maybe?"

We share a look then Clary grabs my hands and we rush out of Taki's. "I thought you hated being a bench…" I say to Sassy Gay Fire Hydrant before we exit. I turn in time to see him slide in next to Alec/

He flipped his scarf, "DB, desperate times; desperate measures. Now hurry up before the moon goes down." I flip him off with my free hand as I hear him mutter some pick up line to Alec, "Hey Blue eyes, what's your sign? Is it "let me fuck you"?"

"I'm a Libra…"

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.

The two of us are now in central park.

We're standing in front of a lake and the moon is gleaming down. Clary bit her lips, "Jace, I don't think this is a good idea – I think, maybe, Being your bride is a bad idea."

I stare at her and bring her closer to me. "Hey," I say softly, "I've made it this far – I'm not backing out now – besides, my brother is in there."

"Yea but, if you go back on you deal, Dad will let him go."

I remove a stray hair from her face, "I'm going in. I'll get Your Dad's Fearie Botox, save my brother, and I _will_ marry you." I kiss her lips and she holds on to me tight. I pull away and notice some fae standing beside the lake. "I guess this is our guide."

"Wait." He says, before I can take Clary any further, "Only one can go."

This Pix is trippen.

"No, Bitch, Clary is coming with me." And near me and around me and maybe _on_ me…

Damn, I'm so sexual.

He shook his head. "Only you."

"…But I'm only me when I'm with her…" What song was that from? Hopefully it works.

But it doesn't. And before I can argue any further, Clary sighs, "It's okay Jace, just go – I'll be fine. Also, DON'T STARE!"

_Stare at what?_ I want to ask but I don't because Pix guy is leading me down the water and I really hope its not poisoned this time…


	8. Faerie Botox

**Faerie Botox**

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I gasp, all cold and shit from the pond water. I turn my head to find Pix guy glaring at me with his hands folded in front of him.

"What's got your big boy pants in a twist?" He ignores me and starts to walk away – obviously hoping I would follow.

But not this guy! Jace Wayland follows no one! I stand my ground and I notice Pixie guy is nearly gone.

Psh. Whatever. The least he could do is _tell_ me where were going.

I start squeezing the water from my shirt when suddenly, pix guy grabs me and throws me over his shoulder.

What the actual fuck?

"Um, in some countries, this is considered rape."

I heard him scoff, "Like I would want to engage in sexual activities with you and your herpes ridden body."

I splutter. Of course Valentine has gotten to them first… that bastard. No offence to Clary – its not her fault her father is a psycho. That needs to get lipo.

Teehee, I rhyme. But admittedly, Valentine is pretty hot.

A good five seconds of silence pass us. I prop my elbows on his back and rest my chin in my palms, "So… what's your name?"

"Meliorn." He says in a bored tone.

"What the hell is that? Some weed or something? Hey, do Fearie people ever get high?"

He says something, but I'm not bothered to listen. There's some music drifting and echoing through this… this… underground palace.

_You, you, you,_

_Intoxicate me_

_You, you, you, _

_You cloud my mind_

_Like a dirty martini_

_Spinning me around and round and round_

_Loving you is like DUI…_

Is there a party going on? I probably shouldn't want to go to one after what happened just a few hours ago with Jonathon… but…it couldn't possibly hurt anyone…can it?

I turn my head to the music and to my surprise, there's a huge ballroom just to the left of us. There were lots of people dancing out of synch to the beat of the actual song. It was like they were dancing to some Beethoven ballroom dance instead of some club banger.

What dumbasses.

But something was pulling me towards them – well actually, Meliorn was pulling me away, physically – but it was like they were calling out to me.

"_Jace, come dance with us!"_ okay, so they _were_ calling out to me…

I reach my hand out to touch one of them, but Meliorn drops me to the ground and slaps me.

"OW!" the fuck was that for?

He shrugged, "Your welcome to go dance with them, but keep in mind, you'd probably never leave. Beside, my order was to bring you to my lady, not lead you to a dance till death sentence. So be a good little blonde boy and respect the red head's wish: don't stare."

He was blonde too!

Psh, once I bust a move on that dance floor…

Oh! That's what Clary meant when she told me not to stare.

And why is he so damn formal? It's disgusting.

"You disgust me." I admit to him then proceed to walk until we stopped at grand doors.

I could have sworn he mumbled something along the lines of, "Your face disgusts me." But that's impossible, because I'm mother fucking Jace Wayland.

He opens the door and its like something out of a fairytale and a courtroom all mixed together.

There, sitting upon the throne was some lady. Her hair red, I guess people would describe it as maple leaves. And her eyes were, like, green grass. Or poison.

Chemical X, bitches.

Yea, I watch Power Puff Girls. It's fucking manly as hell.

…And I wonder why Valentine accuses me of being gay.

I nod at her, "My lady."

"Jace Wayland," she smiles at me in an evil sort of way, "I've been expecting you." All she needed was a white Persian cat named Fluffy.

I shrug, "yea, well, I'll just be taking that fearie Botox and my brother and we'll be leaving… so if you don't mind…"

She goes on ignoring me, "I've been watching you." Join the line lady. "Normally, Mundanes and shadowhunters don't interest me, but, you and Clarissa… your… _love,_" she scoffed at the word, "is like…"

"Woe?" I offered.

She chuckled, "Distressful? I was going for 'amusing', actually."

I internally roll my eyes. Yea, yea, Queen, laugh it up.

"So, about Sebastian and that beauty crème…"

"You may have them." She waves her hand dismissively.

"Sweet, where are they?"

She grinned that stupid grin again and points to a pile of colorful beads that I did not notice before, "But first, you must sort those."

"The fuck, Lady?" I say exasperated. I hear Meliorn gasp and I can feel the queen glare at me. "I mean… no problem…"

The two of them exit out and I'm stuck with a pile of colorful beads. I walk closer to them and I realize they're fucking M&Ms. What the hell is the fair folks doing with candy?

I shrug to myself; it's probably their guilty pleasure.

I sigh, the pile is as tall as me, and I'm like, super model tall.

I'll be here till Christmas. Of next year.

Five minutes later, my shoulders are aching and I'm so tempted to let the inner fat Jace come out and just eat all this shit up, but I know its best not to eat these pixie foods.

I hear some screech from above and suddenly some freaking beast is soring down

All I can think is: RELEASE THE KRAKEN!

But I realize its some black bird and he/she/it is aiming for the candy.

I lunge forward, protecting the stacks of colorful chocolates, but its no use.

The bird's beak picks the M&Ms up and is somehow sorting it.

Fuck yea; I'm like Snow White with my animal friends helping me. Albeit it's only one scary looking hawk…

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Insert a "two hours later" SpongeBob Time cards here, with a French accent, and cut to the part where Seelie Queen comes back enraged.

"I never said you could have help!"

I run a hand through my pond washed hair, "But you never said I _couldn't _have help."

I swear her eyes are twitching, but I could careless. "Give me my brother and my Botox! Wait, not my Botox, Valentine's Botox… cus I don't need Botox…"

She glares at me and calls out to Meliorn "Send em in." she looks to me, "You win this time, Jace Wayland, but I will be avenged. You will RUE this day!"

"Um…"I back away slowly and right into someone.

I turn around, "Holy Shit, SEB!"

He had this container in his hand and I'm willing to bet it's the faerie beauty. His hair was messy and his clothes were rumpled, but he had a huge grin on his face, "HUG ME, BROTHA!"

And of course we indulge in the manliest hug ever, cus he's my bitch and I'm his pimp.

"No, don't even start…" He said.

I really need to learn to stop saying stuff out loud.

The bird comes and lands on my shoulder and I flinch at its proximity to me, but hey, it helped me, so I'm okay.

Meliorn leads us back to central park and I notice a pinkish tone to the sky. Looks like dawn is about to break.

I look around, Where's Clary?

The bird flies away and I turn to Sebastian, "Hey can I see the container?"

He shrugged, "Okay, just don't open it, I heard its very dangerous or something."

I ignore him; my middle name is Dangerous.

"No, it's Christopher…"

I glare at Sebastian, "Shut up! Who asked you?"

I unscrew the container and a fume of scents hit me so hard I fall back.

I start coughing and hacking.

Through my blury vision I notice a redhead appear.

"Hey," Sebastian says as he kneels beside me, "Where were you."

"I went to get an ice cream cone while I waited for you guys. What's wrong with him?" Her tone was laced with worry and that sort of comforted me.

He unscrewed the Faerie Botox thing.

I heard her gasp and I felt something cold and wet land on my shoulder. I think she dropped her ice cream on me.

She kneels beside me and brings my face close to her body.

"Jace!" She's rubbing my head and rocking me back and forth. "You stupid, stupid, blonde boy! Why don't you ever listen?" I think she's sobbing and I'm sort of blacking out, but I just really, really want to motor boat her boobs right now…

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* * *

******The song used was DUI by Ke$ha**

"**Hug me brotha" is from Drake&Josh**

**The bird was Hugo, if you wanted to know =) **

**Sebastian is back! Yay!**

**Ummmmm Fave part?**

**Comment, maybe?**

**(HEY, I JUST MET YOU, AND THIS IS CRAZY, BUT HERE'S MY NUMBER SO CALL ME MAYBE?) Songs these days…**


	9. In Lesbians

**In Lesbians**

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My head hurts, but I can't bring my self to open my eyes. Have no clue how long I've been out, and I probably should care more than I do at the moment.

As more senses come back to me, I realize that I'm being rocked back and forth and I feel… boobs…unintentionally – or maybe they were intentional, grazing against me every once in a while.

Then, I realize that whoever is rocking me (hopefully Clary) is sing through sobs. I try to make the words out.

"You got it wrong…to prove I'm right I put it in a s-s-song…"

I mentally grin. Hells yes, my girl wrote me a song.

"Baby you light up my world like no body else ...the way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed…and when you smile at the ground it ain't hard to tell…you don't know you're beautiful…"

Now I'm frowning. I never smile at the ground – why should I deprive humanity from my gorgeous face – and I know damn well, that I'm fucking beautiful!

I feel another presence cus I'm a freaking Jedi, and us bitches have mastered our sense feeling techniques.

"Hey, Clary, do you mind if I have some time alone with my brother?"

I hear her sniffle and I can tell she nodded. She moves away from me, dropping my head against a pillow and it feels weird without her warmth. And her boobs.

I hear Sebastian sigh then I feel the impact of his hands on my cheeks before I actually hear the smack echoing around the room.

My eyes shoot open, "WHAT THE HELL, BRO?"

He rolls his eyes, "Don't think I didn't know you were up! Fucking whore." He mutters the last part.

I narrow my eyes at him, "How'd you know I was up?"

"Alec," HE answered waving his hand. "He's your Parabatai – heck, he knew when you lost your virginity."

I make a face cus that's not creepy at all… "How long was I out for?"

He shrugged, "An hour maybe. You dickhead, I told you not to open the container. Whatever, serves you right."

My mouth just drops open, "Shut your whore mouth while Billy Mays is speaking!" An infomercial for OXY CLEAN products show on a muted television that I didn't even realize was on. My Jedi senses aren't as good as I thought they were…but perfect timing on that commercial.

"Where am I?" I ask after the commercial ends.

"The institute." He answers. He looks at me with all seriousness, "Listen, I know you're trying to get Valentine's blessing and shit, but from what I've heard, you've nearly died a bunch of times, gotten drugged, almost gotten molested by Clary's brother, been stalked by a gay warlock –d"

"A SEXY gay warlock!" a voice interrupts. I turn my head to sees Magnus with that stupid pink scarf wrapped around his neck.

Sebastian rolled his eyes and continued to speak, "And been in pretty dangerous situations…"

I yawn.

"Dumb Bitch, what your brother is trying to say is: Fuck Valentine and just fuck Clary already." Magnus says…flipping his scarf.

I blink, "Wait… you want me to _fuck_ Valentine _and_ Clary? That's kind of gross – wait, what are you even doing here?"

"NO, I meant like, forget Valentine… like just be with Clary – well, unless you _want_ to fuck Valentine...cus word on the street is that you like them boys." He winks a yellow slit eye at me.

"Hey Magnus, Fishnets or solids…" Alec burst through the room and trails off with his sentence as he quickly hides…stockings behind his back. "Oh…hey Jace, you're up!"

"Fishnets," Magnus answers, "Cus they be looking booboo."

And _I'm_ supposedly the gay one.

Alec blushes and I ask, "Booboo?"

Sebastian shrugs, "Hos new word – don't ask' it's best not to." I take his word for it cus he's my brother and Magnus is weird. Magnus and Alec giggle about something then they leave the room. Sebastian leans back in a chair and smirks slyly at me.

"What?" I ask self-consciously. Which is weird because Jace Wayland does not get self-conscience.

"So, did you tell her yet?" he still has that smirk.

What are you talking about...?"

"The "L" word. To Clary. I mean, it's been like, what – three days? Four? I lost count. But, if you're willing to go through with all of Daddy Morgenstern's bullshit for her…"

I cock my head to the side, "You mean 'Lesbian'?"

He stares blankly at me for a moment. "No…the other 'L' word."

"…'Lesbian_s_'?"

He smacks his head, "_LOVE,_ you idiot." He gets up and walks out the door.

Moments later I'm being attacked by a fiery red head. Not that I mind or anything…

"Jace! Oh my god, I was so worried!" I notice her hair was up in some sophisticated buns with sparkly pins jutting out. She hugs me as tight as she can, pressing her body against mine. Then she pulls away and smacks me on the opposite cheek Sebastian had slapped me on.

"Ow!" I complain.

She glares at me and she looks super sexy, "Jace Wayland, you fucking son of a bitch. After all the hard work I put into helping you complete these damn missions, you go and fuck it up by opening the damn Fearie Botox!"

"Wait," I look at her confused, "You helped me? How?" and then it finally clicked, "You asked Magnus to help me, huh? And then Amatis – and that bird…"

She nodded twiddling her fingers, "Daddy didn't say you couldn't get help…"

I pull her into my arms and press my lips against hers. It catches her off guard, but soon, she's melting into the kiss, but I have to pull away because there's this weird feeling in my stomach, "I think Alec just popped his cherry…"

She looks at me weirdly, "I don't think guys _have_ cherries…"

I smile at her. My fingers find their way to her hair and she starts blushing, "Isabelle kind of got bored and…" she trails off as I free her hair from the pin trap and it falls loosely around her shoulder.

"Clary, I have to tell you something – I- I'm in lesbians with you."

She giggles, "What?"

I frown, "That didn't come out right, I meant to say: I'm in _love_ with you. Clarissa Morgenstern, I love you."

She stares at me like I just spoke in Hebrew, and I'm scared she doesn't feel the same way. But then she's kissing me again – full force. She pulls back, peppering kisses all over my face, "I love you too!"

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An hour and a half later, I'm standing in front of Morgenstern Manor. I ring the doorbell, with my peoples to back me up. Sebastian on my right, clary to my left. Alec, Magnus, Izzy…and Church right behind me – then there's Jordan, Maia and Simon who may not exactly have _my_ back – but they have their sister's back.

Valentine opens the door. He's sweating lightly with swats on and a towel over his shirt.

He smiles at Clary, "Sweetheart. He nods in my general direction and scans the posse, "Wayland and co."

I hand him the jar, "Here's your Botox."

He smiles at me and takes the crème, "wonderful, now, for your next –"

I shake my head, "No."

He stares at me as if he heard wrong. "I'm sorry, I thought I just heard you say 'no'."

I take a gulp, but clary holds my hands I feel slightly better.

"Would you like it to be repeated in Spanish?" Isabelle asks sardonically behind me while stroking church's fur.

Simon gains a heavy accent, "NO!"

He throws the towel to the ground – either trying to intimidate us or gain some sex appeal.

Most likely the former…but I would put it past him to choose the former.

He glares at me then looks to Clary, "Well, looks like you wont be marrying my daughter anytime soon." He holds out a hand to Clary as if she was a five year old.

Clary puts but I squeeze her hands, reminding her that we have back up.

Her facial expression morphs and hardens, "No, Daddy."

"Clary – don't be like this."

"I think," Maia, says from behind him, "that she doesn't want to come home."

"Besides," Clary just her chin out, a bit nervously, "Mom doesn't mind…. and unless you want to be living with Jonathon instead…" she trails off letting him figure it out himself.

He glares at her slightly then to me, "why are they even here?" he asks agitatedly.

"Witness and protection, Bitch!" he stares at me hard and I shrink back, "I mean, 'sir'."

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One week later and I'm staring at a stunning rune against her heart – a twin to mine.

**.**

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**OMG! ENDING!**

**And the "what makes you beautiful" was a nod to my fans who have that One Direction Erection ;) cus it only goes in one direction… lol that should be on a t-shirt…**

"**I'm in lesbians with you" is from Scott Pilgrim vs., the World**

**And… That's it!**

**Give me your last reviews for this! Check out my other stories! LOVE ME! Lol jk… sort of…**

**I just need somebody to love :/**

**So yea…this is it!**

**FIN!**


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